7th of Sun’s Dusk, Morndas

I have tried several times to contact Avon, but to no avail. I am beginning to fear something has happened back at home. 

If it turns out that Urtisa had a hand in this and has harmed anyone I care for, I will see to it that not a single piece of her will ever be found on Nirn again! I  will obliterate every since trace of her existence. Every memory! Everything she has ever touched! I will burn it all away!

No, b’vek! That is not the way. I must think of my son.

I must think of him here.

Come on Avon, answer me!

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sildras and nabine

I assume this is for the OC music feelings meme.

Sildras: Some of the lyrics aren’t exact since he wasn’t there for Sildras’ birth, but the feeling involved is 100% how Fayrl feels about his son.

Will Smith – Just The Two Of Us
       lyrics

Nabine: First song is similar to how they met when they were sellswords. And once she warned him and stabbed him as a show of her seriousness he was smitten.  The second song is more how he felt after their relationship developed. And these feelings still remain even though they aren’t together

Nelly Furtado ft Timbaland – Promiscuous         lyrics

Darren Hayes – Insatiable
       lyrics

6th of Sun’s Dusk, Sundas

Uncle advised me, when he would see me again yesterday, that I was not to harass his employees. He doesn’t want me planting any wicked ideas in their heads or giving them the impression that they might be able to have relations with any of our direct line.

He made sure to start sending his strictest, most tough a carriage nails, servant to act as a go between for him. I suppose he thought there was no way I would ever be capable of seducing her, even should I want to. He was wrong.

With my powers ever growing stronger right now, all I had to do was find her with her guard down. It took very little to manage to find that soft spot and use it to my advantage. Once again, the perfume guided the way for me. It is intoxicating, better than any liquor one might consume. And once we touched I learned her secrets. Nothing too interesting, but it can come in handy, should she threaten to tell uncle of the affair.

Speaking of uncle Tanval, the fetcher has up and decided that although I may resume my work for the temple, should I wish, that I will not be allowed to work outside of Morrowind without his express permission and that I am not allowed to travel from the provinces without a letter of admittance by his own hand. And that my position shall be as an administrative aid only. I shiver to recall those dark days spent tucked away in a study, doing meaningless tasks for dissatisfied elders.

He offered me also the choice of joining the Ordinators, a position that certainly does not interest me in the least. Or to play negotiator in opening up talks with the other houses. Apparently there is news that in fact the new Dominin Queen has managed to convince the Khajiit to join her. That this Dominon force may truly be coming to fruition. War seems inevitable.

Those are the three choices I was given. I have until this evening to think it over. Seeing how I cannot be in the room with uncle without fighting not to put my blades to his flesh, I have acquired permission for my son to join me. I sent him to his riding lessons this morning, but insisted he be done in time to join me for the talks. Uncle allowed it on account of the boy needing to learn more about politics and punishment.

I just hope Sildras will keep me from following my impulses. I wish that Avon were here to help me.

B’vek! I completely forgot! I need to contact my brother to let him know we arrived. I am sure he has worn a path through my carpets with his worried pacing.

Did you ever love your wife?

The truth is, no, I never did.

That sounds very harsh, but you have to understand that my family forwent several of the usual engagement steps to ensure I was married quick as possible.

I do not know what fool of a Nord convinced friend my uncle over strong mead that married life might reign in the behaviors of mine of which he did not approve, but the result was disastrous, as I am sure he now knows.

That said, I think that had her ambition not out shown everything in her life, I may have learned to love my wife. Or at the least, have been able to come to an easy arrangement. A life of relative happiness, instead of overwhelming misery.

To her credit, she was fairly successful in her power hungry scheming. She had not counted on my persistence for my freedom however.

I admire her wicked mind ever so slightly, though I am loathe to admit it. If only we could have found a way to make it work. Perhaps if she wasn’t so keen on keeping me prisoner I might have simply let her have my council responsibilities. If she shared her plans, who knows what we could have accomplished together.

What do Dunmer think of “secondary” wives?

For the Dunmer a secondary spouse is a relic of the past. Our Chimer ancestors allowed such marriages, in part, I have heard scribes say, because they wanted to increase the number of heirs for each family.

Of course, naturally, as the practice become commonplace there came to be many issues over inheritance. Specifically the order of inheritance. Was it based off of age or order. And if order, was it order by spouse or by when they were birthed in relation to their siblings? Each of the houses had their own system in place, but the rate of regicide and fratricide rose dramatically within the main houses. It was said that mer everywhere feared that the great houses would topple upon themselves from the inside out.

Of course, laws were changed and customs altered. Dunmer currently only recognize a single marriage at a time. At least, the state of Morrowind will only allow a single marriage at a time to be legally binding. Outsider its borders I suppose it would matter more about the state you were in and how they recognize marriages.

Now, the concern over heirs is still very much surviving today and several customs have arisen to combat that.

I shall start with the one which has the darkest past. Our people rarely birth more than one or two children in their life time. Three is uncommon. Four is considered a miracle.

Yet if you observe many of the great house lines, you will notice not two or three children, but 5, 8, 10 children! Well, how is this accomplished?

It was discovered early on in our people’s enslavement of man races, that a woman who has many intimate relations with men produces more children. I am sure you can see the dark places this is headed.

There were certainly families who imported slaves, mostly Nords, who were considered particularly potent in affecting a Dunmeri woman’s ability to have children. It also resulted in some small increase in mixed children, but records of what happened with those children is unclear at best. I would assume if they looked mer enough they would be put in the line of succession with the rest and if not, I tremble to consider that poor child’s fate.

Obviously this is not a current practice and has not been for some little time. However, it is not unusual for Dunmeri women who are soon to be wed, or newly wed, to go looking for loose Nord men to share their evenings with in order to increase their virility. I have also heard of male Dunmer following such a practice, but I am not sure if the effects are as potent.

Another method still very much in practice today is that of a un-official spouse or secondary partner. If the secondary partner is female, her children are added into the line of succession with the official children, but are only considered valid candidates on the condition that the official heir next in line is not ready or fit to inherit.

If the secondary partner is male, any children he may bare with another partner are eligible to enter the line of succession if both the mother and child can prove their loyalty to the house. If they both pass, then the child is added, but is only considered valid if the two official heirs next in line are not ready or fit to inherit.

I understand this must sound very complicated, but in practice it is often very simple. House council votes after all parties have presented their evidence one way or another. Often if a grandmaster is growing weak or has reason to believe they will not be alive much longer, a special session is called for the grandmaster to choose their next heir. This has the potential for changing order of inheritance. Of course, if the house council disagrees with a vote of over 93% against the grandmaster’s decision, then the order continues as per usual. There are no counts in all Dunmeri history of the vote being overturned. There is a legend of it happening once, but it has been under great scrutiny as to its validity for centuries.

Finally there is the semi-secondary spouse status of most officially designated guardians. In case of tragedy befalling a family, such as the streak massacres that were done to wipe entire family lines out at the start of the 1st era, a non-direct blood relative is appointed as an officially guardian for each child. It is not uncommon when one spouse dies, for that official guardian to take on the duties of helping to raise that child in the deceased spouse’s place. Often times if the couple works well together, the guardian is granted a sort of change in status that is the equivalent of a marriage and order of succession follows the same pattern as with the secondary spouse.

It is important to note that a grandmaster who is unable to produce a single heir, will be given rank of master’s advisor and the next eligible heir will take over for them. For this reason both the selection of a spouse and any secondary spouses is held with utmost importance. My people have the most terrible rituals to introduce potential partners. But I shan’t bore you with those details. I have spoken enough for now.

5th of Sun’s Dusk, 2nd Entry

Not much has happened since last night. Uncle refuses to see me until after he has eaten his breakfast.

Sildras went out after a light breakfast for his first riding lessons. He was so excited about them he was bouncing up and down all morning. He barely got any food in him, mostly he just got it all over the place. He tells me he is going to ride better than Beden, one of the boys he met in the Ashland tribe. I told him I believed he would, if he took his lessons seriously and learned as much as he could, no matter how hard it was. He seemed very determined and it made me proud.

I found the messenger from last night as I was looking for amusements while I waited. I spoke with him. He was scolded by uncle for letting me seduce him. Uncle, for better or worse, blames me entirely. Despite the scolding, I managed to sneak the messenger back to my quarters without anyone seeing and giving him another chance to feel the relief of giving into his desires.

And the fact I am giving a little bit of a twist of the knife to uncle feels good too. It’s childish, but I just can’t seem to help myself lately.

5th of Sun’s Dusk, Loredas

I cannot sleep. I would find a way to blame this on uncle too, but I know it is not something I can throw onto him. No, this is all my own problem.

Perhaps I even feel a bit guilty over my behavior, although it was justified. If he wanted to treat me like a child, I was prepared to act as one. And a defiant one at that. I suppose it only served to further his image of me.

Mah, my lady of secrets, darkness spinner, is this part of your gift as well? Why do these urges come to me. Why do they seem so sweet?

I have been angry with uncle before, I was this time too. But I have never felt the need to strike out at him. I do not want to. Bringing myself that much closer to the grandmaster title does not interest me. I want nothing more than to escape that responsibility.

Yet I had that sweet smell envelope me. And as he talked I had to fight. I am always able to control myself, even if I am raging inside. Yet my body was trying to move on its own. All of my will was used to fight as my fingers slid towards the blades.

And then he turned his back on me. It was a show of his disdain. And yet, it was a vulnerability. He was so open. As if he was calling me to plunge a blade into his back, to slit his throat from ear to ear. I did not want it. Yet I found the dagger in my hand, I was pulling it from its sheath.

A knock on the door dislodged me from the hold the spell had on me. I was dismissed as that Nord that uncle is so found of entered to make a report.

That was when I went back to my room and began singing and playing. With Sildras nearby the feelings seemed to have dissipated entirely. I do not know if he has some sort of ability, perhaps from his natural magical gifts. Yet I was able to relax for a bit. The music was cathartic. I also taught Sildras the next verse of one of the children’s songs he loves so much.

After dinner he had fallen asleep and I went so as not to disturb his slumber. I had gone to relax in the hot water of the baths. As I was passing through on my way to my chambers, I spotted one of uncle’s messengers who had just returned and was relaxing by the fire in the study, likely waiting for uncle to finish his briefing.

As I made idle talk with him, that perfume began to enter my sense. I feared at first that I might have to excuse myself so that there was nothing I could use as a potential weapon. Yet as he approached to show me a memento of his last journey, I found that this was not the scent I had experienced with uncle or the mage. This was like what I found with Avon. It was a sensuous aroma. And as we spoke, he seemed to fall under the spell as well.

A couple of locked doors and the objects on uncle’s desk thrown to the ground and I found myself intimately engaged with the messenger. As one might expect, he had excellent stamina and strong legs. And as we enjoyed one another’s company, I felt as though something pure was blooming within me. Like I was indulging in something that I had been denying myself for years. There was a freedom, a sense of rebirth. I realized that this was not my feelings, this was the man below me. He had been suffering, dedicating himself to his work, not allowing himself to find pleasures in the one thing he desired most.

When we were done, I excused myself leaving the messenger disheveled upon my uncle’s desk. After I had cleaned myself back up I noticed that the anxious feeling I had even after fighting my desires was gone. I do not know what the other side of these gifts may be bringing, but if I can help with freeing others from hurting themselves in such a way, to bring them such happiness, then the gift is truly a blessing. And in doing so it also fills me with a sense of peace and relief.

I settled in bed and fell asleep for a time, but I awoke when I heard arguments. They were muffled, but the intonation of my uncle’s anger is unmistakable. I do hope it was not the poor messenger. If it turns out to be, I will have him hired on personally. There is no need for him to lose his job over such a thing.

Hopefully the guilt will fade by the time the sun rises.

Do you prefer dark elf or dunmer?

Do people still use the term elf any more? I’m curious where you heard it.

To clarify, I’m not offended by the term dark elf. It’s a direct translation of what Dunmer is. I think it was rather common in the last era for men to use the elf term to describe mer.

I am not really well versed enough to know why the term may have fallen out of use, but I suppose it isn’t really wrong.

If I have to have a preference, I suppose I am more used to Dunmer, and would choose it. Though I have heard the words used as often as an insult outside of Morrowind as a general term. Still, it is what I am, I can no more deny my mortality.

https://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/291453272/stream?client_id=3cQaPshpEeLqMsNFAUw1Q?plead=please-dont-download-this-or-our-lawyers-wont-let-us-host-audio

I cannot speak right now about what happened with uncle. Instead, I have decided to sing this song which captures my feelings about things a little bit better. I don’t want to upset Sildras with being able to understand the words, so I have the common tongue version I have been continuously singing instead.

The nerve of uncle to take away my lute, simply because he was tired of hearing the melody over and over from his study! It is his fault that all of this has come to pass as it did! He started all of this by arranging a marriage for me to that fetching Hlaalu in the first place! It is not my fault he didn’t do enough research to see why our rival house was so willing to part with one of their heirs to the family. It was primarily his responsibility to have his people see if she was a suitable match or not!

My lute best come back to me whole and undamaged or I may not be able to hold this back any longer. I am so agitated. I sent Sildras to go and see what was for dinner so that I could collect as many of uncle’s favorite wines as possible. I plan on draining every bottle before I leave. I know how much it costs him. It is harder to get Balmora Blue with the whispers of war coming, everyone is holding onto their stocks more closely and raising their prices.

I hope he hurts from this.
(For more music, go to Fayrl’s Song Book)