Much can occur in a short period of time. It is not something I was unaware of, simply something that I was reminded of once more.
I had hoped that in bringing my son along on this journey, he might experience new sight and circumstances before unbeknownst to him.
The old adage is not wrong. One should always be careful of their wishes.
He is fine physically. I do not know how he will recover from what he witnessed.
I have failed. As a father, as a guardian, as a person who was meant to protect him from the harsh realities of this world. He is too young to see such brutality. Particularly from me. He now fears me, as he fears his mother. The reasons are different, but still….
I swear by the three it was all I knew to do. I tried to reason with the gentlemer, but they would not be reasoned with. They had an objective and they were determined to carry it through. I had no choice.
B’vek, I told Sildras to run! Told him to stay hidden and I would find him, I will always find him! Why did he not listen?!
No, no. It is not his fault. He is a child. He was scared. He was too afraid to be alone in such dangers. I understand that. I just… I didn’t want him to see me take the lives of anyone, even in self defense. Not like this! Not so soon!
And how much harder it is to try and comfort your son when they are not visible to the eye. I could find him by the sounds of his crying. He would not let me touch him, though. Not let me come too close.
He ran and held onto Tel until he tired himself out and fell asleep. We traveled a bit away from where the incident had taken place, but… he has been so much more withdrawn since. All the hard work that was put into making him understand that he was loved, all destroyed in an instant by petty house feuding! Damn the Hlaalu! They should stick to their own lands!
Sildras won’t speak to me. He will nod or shake his head. Make little sounds. But he won’t use any words. He reminds me much of myself at that age. I had the habit of doing that at times as well. I have tried to be gentle as possible with him. Damn uncle, I am not hurrying on his account. Sildras and his well-being are of greater concern to me. He can punish me further if he wishes, but he will not take this from me. I will not let anyone take my son away or do him any harm. It is bad enough I have had to cause him any pain.
I am trying to stay positive as I can for his sake. He seems to respond best to a cheerful disposition. Yet all I can think of is murder. I felt something greater than I have before when I slayed those Hlaalu bastards. a type of ecstasy I do not typically associate with such an act. I wanted to do more, so much more to them than merely kill them. Yet, I forced myself to make things as quick as possible to return to my son. I tried to stay as un-bloodied as possible, but I was unable to succeed.
I could not wash out my tunic since there was no river nearby and I decided instead to abandon the garment. I did not want to leave any reminder that Sildras might stumble upon and recall the event. At that point the stain had already set. I can buy new once we reach Ebonheart the day after tomorrow. I instead have been wearing one of my more casual tunics. Something less stuffy and formal. I think Sildras has found it easier to be close at hand without that formality in the way. I hear it told that Urtisa was never casual around him. That fetching woman truly wished to destroy everything around her, including her own flesh and blood. How I wish it would not hurt Sildras to sever her miserable head from her body and end her reign of suffering.
I am going to charter us passage from Ebonheart to Davon’s Watch via ship, instead of over land. I hope that the change of scenery will do Sildras a lot of good. The fresh sea breeze should be invigorating and if nothing else, it is something new and different. I will charter a private vessel, no one but us and the crew. I wish to limit the chances of anything else unpleasant happening. It also gets us to Davon’s Watch a day sooner, though I could care less about that. At least in Davon’s Watch, where our house has so much power, Sildras should be safer.
I must find some way to show him I am sorry. I must rest. I have gotten so little sleep since this all took place.
Azura, show me the wisdom to make this right. I beg you. Let me find a way to help my son.