1st of Frostfall, Loredas

It has now been a year since I first invited Qau-dar to spend the night with me.

It is odd to be without him. Yet looking back, I had expected on that night to be gaining a long-term traveling companion. It is what I did, however. So it is with a heavy heart that I find myself so recently separated from him.

There is still so much unresolved between us. So much I needed to have spoken. Yet time slips quickly away, and with it, the distance between us grows.

I struggle to find myself at peace here. It is familiar, yet not so. Mother is putting her special blend into my ash yam tea each morning and judging from his afternoon stomach aches, in Sildras’ as well. It confirms Avon’s suspicions that Urtisa was not giving him any up until now. The poor boy. It will be a rough couple of months while his body adjusts. But he is strong and I am content in knowing that he will prevail to become an accomplished wizard one day.

Both mother and Avon have sung the praises of his quick skills with magicka. It must be mother’s blood, because none of Urtisa’s family had the gift. My own, pitiful for one of my breeding, surely.

When Avon and mother are not distracting one of the two of us, I take time to teach Sildras the ancient songs. Sometimes we do more light, fun music, but mother grows cross if I stray too long from the classics. She has been spending nearly all her days here, though she returns to father in the evenings. She seems far less strict with Sildras than she did with me. Perhaps she has found the right balance. She dotes on him and shows love in a way I was unsure she could before. It fills me with joy.

Yet for all the golden happiness I have found, I know full well that this is a gilded cage. Without any sign that I will ever escape, I suppose I must get used to being here. I traded my freedom away for a good reason. I get to know my son this way.

But though I gained some family, I have lost others. Ervis is dead as a result of my return. Qau-dar and Khes have left. Avon tries his best to distract me, but I cannot so easily forget.

Mah, I know not what can be done. I suppose I must learn to find happiness here.

I do not know how to answer my lady’s call. She told me to return to her once my task here was completed. I must find if there is a nest around the city. If not, I must find ways to pray properly as penance for not being able to return properly.

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