30th of Last Seed, Tirdas

I do not understand, well, perhaps I do some. Avon chose to spare my life, deciding it best for us to complete the mission we set off for, killing Urtisa. We owe it to Ervis to make things right.

It feels like I have lost a part of myself without him. It is a coincidence which is not lost on me. My arm is still sore, despite Avon’s healing. Avon tells me I nearly lost it. I don’t recall my arm well. I remember seeing that it was bleeding, but most of what transpired is gone. In a way, I do prefer it as such.

After Avon returned to me in the ruins and put Ervis’ body under some sort of enchantment, he informed me of the new plan. I will pretend to be Ervis until after we are back into Mournhold. We have traveling documents for both of us in that case. We will just say that the informant was killed in our reports later.

Avon cut my hair and arranged it in Ervis’ usual style, the ponytail pulled back so tight the corners of your eyes almost meet your ears. Then I was dressed in Ervis’ clothes. I shall remain mostly quiet and stern, easy to do given how lost I am feeling. I can channel this despair into anger and let myself be as much as possible like my daesohn.

Yet every time I catch my reflection in a pane of glass, it drives another needle into my heart. I know I need to pull myself together, but I can’t shake my guilt. Why did this have to happen? Why couldn’t I have been the one to die back there? I know I deserve this fate for my actions, yet I do not want it!

Avon decided we must stay as close to schedule as possible, so we headed into Lukiul Uxith. Lohulurash has two new hatchlings at home, so she did not have the space to spare us for lodgings. However, an our friend, Natum, was able to give us a place to lay our heads. Her house is just a couple homes over. When Natum asked after Ervis, we had to lie and tell her that he was delayed even more than we were and that we were going to be meeting him in Iliath Temple in two days. She made a joke about it and we laughed as politely and convincingly as we could manage. I could feel that much more of myself fall into despair.

Avon left to go and find Elder Seven Bellies and I decided to take a look around the village and see how things have changed. Most everyone there remembered me. It is strange, considering how used to disappeared and being forgotten in towns I have become. Nearly all were friendly, there were only a few newer faces who gave me a cold shoulder, but it was not as hostile as it could have been, considering that this village is made up of former slaves. It was nice to see that maybe there is progress towards an integrated and more friendly Morrowind.

The most surprising thing occurred when I was heading back to Natum‘s abode. There, drinking in the communal area, was Speaks-Too-Soon. Alone!

I went to her and asked her why she was here. Where was Qau-dar? Why wasn’t she protecting him back in the safety of Whiterun!

She claimed that he was here and that they had been looking for me. I could not believe my ears. Why would Qau-dar come looking for me? Speaks-Too-Soon said something about me being melodramatic! An exaggeration, to be sure. Apparently they dropped off the painting and headed straight out to find me.

I don’t understand. I spent weeks and weeks, trying to track down where Qau-dar was, traveling all over Skyrim. I spent more weeks to get Qau-dar to forgive me. I purchased gifts and tried various means to cool his ire. Yet, once I decide to go and fix my past, he suddenly just comes after me without warning? Without even a word of, let us deliver this and then we shall accompany you?

I would have convinced him not to come, of course, but things could have been sorted out safely.

And now the they have ventured into a land where most of my countrymer still think of their kin as little more than beasts. B’vek! In some parts of Stonefalls Khajiit slaves were not given release from their masters, I have no doubt that the Dres still retain all their Khajiiti slaves.

I told Speaks-Too-Soon to take Qau-dar back to Whiterun. To keep him safe. That if she needed I would give her more money, but that they needed to go. I know she and my daelekil mean well, but I cannot protect them. I can’t couldn’t even protect my daesohn. If Avon and I are captured by Urtisa’s men there is no telling the types of tortures we will be put through. I do not wish to see either of them, who would be viewed by our torturers as animals more than people, to be turned over to such a fate. It is best they run back to the safety of Skyrim. Or to some other land. Anywhere that is safer than here.

When I next saw Avon, I begged him to let us leave.

He refused, saying it would be a breech of etiquette. I tried several times to explain why we must leave, but he just waved his hand and said we would not be rude to our host.

We went to drink at Lohulurash‘s as planned. I tried to relax and enjoy myself, yet there is no way for me to do so under all be stress and unwanted thoughts that linger. I hope we can leave as early as possible. I wish to be gone before Qau-dar can track us and put himself in more danger.

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