28th of Last Seed, Sundas

How long have I spent here in the ruins now? I keep returning to my fallen brother’s body. I keep touching his cheek and willing him to come back to us. To open his eyes and tell us this is all just one of his big elaborate jokes. I want to know that Ervis and Avon were just getting back at me for the terrible things I did to them both when we were young. That any moment now they will both come up behind me and ruffle my hair and kiss my cheeks and tell me that they really got me good this time. That it’s what I deserved for lying to them. That now that they have put me through that pain, the joke is over, and all is forgiven. I want to know that everything is all right. That everything will return to how it once was.

Yet that unshakable stillness remains. That eternal silence. Never again to hear the sounds of my brother’s teasing voice, his hearty laugh, his cries of passion.

The three take me, was my petty insecurities in youth and the actions I took really so horrible as to justify this retribution? I know it was wrong. I knew it was wrong then too. I just couldn’t stand the idea Avon leaving us to go off with that less attractive, boring, fanatic of the false tribunal! I knew he was in love with the mer. And I knew how he felt about me. I knew how Ervis felt about him! I carefully manipulated all of it so that they would stay with me. What Ervis said was right. I was jealous. I was selfish. I just… my daesoohn are the only ones I felt I could trust! They still were, right up to the point where I felt the blow of betrayal, looked down, and saw my own blood. The thought of being abandoned was just too much. Especially from the two mer in all of Nirn that I actually cared about! If they had left me I would have had nothing! I would have become nothing. I would be as lonely and isolated as I spent so much of my youth. Only Mephala has ever heard my anguished pleas in the dark and it was she who whispered to me of the feelings of my Daesoohn. It was wrong for me to have used my gifts to seduce or lead astray all others who came looking for friendship or love with my daesoohn. To strike down all of the obstacles that tried to come in the way of the three of our friendship and love. Yet how else could I keep them close? They were everything I have ever had! All I ever wanted! I can’t trust anyone else. They are the only ones to see the whole of me and not reject me. Although, now, I suppose they have. I

Even now I can’t help but wonder how it is that Urtisa could possibly have convinced my daesohn to turn against me. He knew of her moves against me. He sounded so full of conviction in his campaign against her wickedness! What could have changed that? Just the knowledge of my overbearing love? My fear?

The three, bring him back! Let me beg for his forgiveness! I will cut my own heart out, just bring him back and fix this! I don’t want this! I don’t want any of this!

I need to… I have to….

I can’t. I can’t accept that this is what has come to pass! We three were never supposed to hurt one another. We were supposed to always stay true to one another. This pain is too great. There is not enough alcohol in all of Tamriel to dull this sorrow. I don’t want to accept that he is gone. Yet, if we do not do things properly, his spirit will not be given its proper due. It is the least I can do after what I have done.

I have used my lady’s boon to me to craft my robes of mourning. It is silent. So disturbingly silent here. One daesohn lies dead, the other off pacing, determining, no doubt, how to proceed forward. How can we reach out to each other now? In all of this I believe he has suffered the most. Learning of my old betrayal while being betrayed. I do not blame him for needing time to think. Can he forgive me for the past? Can he forgive me for taking the life of our daesohn? If not, I would not blame him. I saw the heat of rage in his eyes. I felt my heart splinter from the look.

Last Seed, you are the most terrible and cursed month of the year. Now every time Last Seed comes around, when my powers grow weak, I will recall this event. It will feel like penance for my crimes.

The pacing has stopped. Foot steps approach. Perhaps a decision has been made. If it is for my life to end and this is my final entry, then I want whoever reads this to know that I forgive any hatred or violence my daesoohn wished upon me. That I wish my remaining daesohn all the luck in the world. That I hope the three guide him throughout the rest of his days. I ask that no punishment befall him for ending my pathetic life. 

For final wish, I seek only for the death of my wife, Urtisa. And if the reader of this could ensure that somehow, my daelekil and his daughter are well looked after. That mother knows I love her. That my son…. that Sildras knows that I would have liked very dearly to have met him and to raise him and to show him all the love he deserved, but I was unable to provide him. Let father know that it was nothing to do with the three that I came down with illness, but instead that it was the schemes of the woman I was forced to marry. Yet even still, let him know that I do not bear him any grudge from beyond the grave. I know he did what he thought was best. I approve of having my body buried in the Indoril crypt. I understand I have a duty in the afterlife to serve my house. I am prepared for that. I want to look after my son and his descendants. I want to protect them from what I could not in life.

Nabine, I hope your life turned out exactly how you wished it to be.

I shall stop writing now. I shall sing the last song and await judgement. The three know I am mortified of what is to come. Yet, I should be strong and accept it. Farewell, my friends. The three smile on you all.

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