You know, I had not stopped to consider that possibility, my friend. I suppose you could be entirely correct. I did not give much warning. I did not even let him know of what was worrying me until the day before I left.
I suppose I find it difficult to understand his mentality because I am a deeply emotional person when I let myself be. I can compartmentalize things when there is a job to be done, but when there is little to stop me, I often find myself indulging in my own emotions.
I think it comes from having to act so long as a honey tongued, overly dramatic, idiotic bard. After so many decades the facade has begun to wear off on me a bit. You appear harmless if you are an absent minded drunk who speaks whatever comes into your mind and are prone to emotional displays of dramatics. People assume that you have no capacity for cunning, resisting temptation, long-term planning, or hiding true intentions. It is the perfect cover for an undercover operative. Yet, I found the cover so much more entertaining than the rest of the work, I embraced it fully.
You know, I was a rather quiet and withdrawn child? Hard to imagine with this personality, right? Mah, the freedoms being someone else can afford you. There is some truth in what I do now, of course. I chose to leave the comforts of wealth and status for the life of a traveling bard for a reason, after all. I enjoy choosing my own way and doing as I please. I enjoy playing the game of teasing and being teased. I like to play my lute and to sing and to see others enjoy my music. I have found pleasure is wandering across this foreign land and meeting all sorts of people from all races of Nirn, to hear their stories and share in their experiences, to sample their foods, try their clothes, listen to their music, and indulge in a bonding of the flesh.
Yet, in all of this I have not entirely escaped that shyness I once had. I suppose that is why I hesitated so long before telling Qau-dar anything. A sudden relapse of my old self. I suppose it was triggered by all these thoughts of returning home. The memories of being with my family once more. It awoke something that I had thought was left far behind me.
Perhaps it was too abrupt to tell Qau-dar. Then again, it is too late to worry over it now. My precious Daelekil is safely back in Whiterun with his daughter, my little Khes. I should put my thoughts of them and of my life of freedom behind me. After all, even should I manage to end Urtisa’s life and her plots, I will likely be forced to resume my position within the house.
Ata will no doubt demand I stay in the temple, doing safe domestic work. If what Avon says is true, then father is under a strong opinion that my worship of the true tribunal is to blame. He will likely demand I attend all sorts of ridiculous temple seminars in the hopes of somehow rehabilitating my soul, or some other such nonsense he has worked himself up into believing.
I should cease worrying about what Qau-dar did or did not say to me and instead concentrate on how to deal with the life I will be forced to return to. At least I will have my son to get to know. If he could learn to accept me, then it will make returning to that life worthwhile.