The road so far has been rather uneventful to travel on. Not that I am complaining about our fortune. It is good.
Not much to write about. Qau-dar is still quiet. He is changed somehow from before. We travel like we once did, but his energy is different. At times he seems to forget and relax into the old rhythms. Then just as quickly he gets a suspicious look or his face changes, showing the hollowness it has taken on since prison. He needs to eat more.
I do not know what to do. I have done all I know how. Yet things are not as they were. I makes my heart ache. Perhaps my actions were just unforgivable in his culture or in his mind. In the grand scheme of things, I suppose it does not matter. We will part ways soon. Very soon.
I would rather spend these days making things pleasant. I want to delight Ma’riani, amuse Speaks-Too-Soon, and show my daelekil that I am trying to make amends. I will treasure these last days together as though they were my last alive. After all, they may just be.
Mah., Qau-dar, why must things be so complicated between us? I have so many conflicting emotion where you are concerned. My heart and mind never can come to a compromise about this situation. As if I need any more to muddle my mind right now. This is not the first time I have wound up in a less than ideal situation as a result of those close to me. Why must things have turned out like this? I suppose if there’s a prize for rotten judgement, I have almost certainly taken it. Why else would I be dealing with such a situation?
No, much of this is circumstance. I did not choose to marry Urtisa. That was the poor judgement of my parents and my house. My poor judgement was in choosing that fetching priestess. I was just so desperate to see Qau-dar healed of his sickness. The way that fear shown in his eyes, the way his voice broke, it felt like a thousand ice needles stabbing me through my heart. I could not help but want to make things better. Then every Nord in town seemed as though they wished the worst for Qau-dar, just because he was Khajiit. I got so angry. I let my pride win-out. I had to make them pay! The healer was not doing his duty! The priestess only did hers with a grave price. She assumed the worst of me without even trying to comprehend the situation. I tried to clear the city of these wicked people who sat so prominently in the social hierarchy.
I was doing the whole city a favor! Yet all it did was end up ruining my closest relationship. Why did the priestess wish to turn Qau-dar against me? How did she manage to convince him to leave? How did she know to send Qau-dar to follow me? I have so many questions. Yet I do not dare to bring up anything with Qau-dar. I have had enough of his betrayed looks and his silent anger. I want to remember him fondly as I go to face Urtisa. Best to simply put on my mask of the happy and foolish bard. Let that be the face of the Fayrl they remember.
The three guide me and protect me. Help me to follow the path of victory as I prepare to face the darkness of my past.