That is an interesting thought, hla dalder.
I suppose it would be to have better control over my emotions. It seems like my feelings have been my weakness time and time again. Sentimentality is a deadly trait, both in my previous work and now living in hiding. If I could cast away those last chains, to truly be able to switch off my emotions when I pleased, I would be unstoppable.
I would have been able to turn aside this whole mess with Qau-dar and just shrugged it off as a mistake. I could have accepted that maybe fate just did not wish for us to travel together any longer and been on my way.
Alas, my softness, those feelings of affection I have towards him, have turned me towards a journey of seeking his forgiveness. If I did not care I would have saved myself having had to deal any further with that Altmeri fetcher. I would not have had to relive the events of my past. And I would be sleeping far better right now.
Who knows, perhaps I would have returned to Mournhold, slain my wife and all her servants, and taken my old position as an intelligence agent for my house.
Alas, what use is dwelling on all of these things? They will not come to pass. I am how I am. The three only know how I am going to make it out of this.
