You said deception and looking for gain is natural part of sex. What it is you want from your khajiit then?

Let me clarify. Deception is a natural part of getting what you want from others. Getting what you want from others is also a natural part of living. Sex, as you so crudely put it, is more an item on the list of things that people often want in exchange. It is an means to pay for things someone has to offer or to offer in exchange for something you don’t have. I suppose for some deception may be a part of sex, but for me both sex and deception are tools to get what I want.

That said, I do find the acting of joining intimately with another pleasurable. The act itself tells you a lot about the other person and it is putting yourself in a vulnerable state before them. There is always risk involved. There are some with whom the act is more of sharing that vulnerable side with another person than it is about the pure carnal pleasures or gains. Those whom I care for I use it as a means of bonding. It is a way to communicate physically what may not always be spoken.

One usually imagines a bard to be verbose. Yet for myself I often find it difficult to articulate my real feelings through words. I spend my career using words to dance around the truth and to weave grand stories. It is far more difficult for me to put together words whose meaning feels worthy of the emotions for which they represent. So often times it is easier to express those emotions through physical acts of affection.

I admit, for any that know me well this may be confusing, for how would one be able to tell what is my act of deception and what is an act of connection. I can only say that I believe the act itself conveys my true feelings to those I wish to know them. I suppose there is no way for the other person to know except through their heart.

For my part, my desire to have Qau-dar consummate our marriage is about getting to know who he truly is. He is not one to speak about himself and I have spoken little of my true self either, though I have told him far more than almost any I have met. Much lies unspoken between us that I had hoped I might show through physical affection. Yet, his friendship is dear enough for me that I would not wish to jeopardize it to force the issue. Instead I have to hope he can tell through my gifts and my care of him what my true feelings are.


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